Gauntlet ya

Gauntlet was packed with worship through music, great speakers, wonderful material, fast deep friendships and God's work in many people including me.  During Gauntlet, I had to deal with everything that I placed higher than God.  God cleaned up all known dissension and I confessed all known sins.  I got to a point where I was not exactly sure what to do.  I found myself amongst 300 plus other singing inters all with the general intention to worship God.  Something was void.  There was defiantly something that was holding me back.  I asked myself, “Do I have to be the camel aimlessly trying to fit through the eye of the needle?"  I thought, "Surely worship is more than this.  Surely the God over everything has more than what I am feeling."  Finally pleading with God, I fell to my knees and cried out, "I want to want to want you more than anything else. I want to come to you with everything.  When I finally got to the edge of myself, where I was trying to convince God that He needed to help me, He finally had me where He wanted me.  Knowing that life flows from naught but He, that is the real place I needed to be.  Of everything, I had to let go, and with everything I had to follow Him.  I was brought to tears letting go of worldly things that I loved.  Disappointed, I was when the 4 guys from my room were selected to go to the other dorm.  We were tight even if it hadn't even been 2 weeks and I would miss them.  I didn't really care for getting to know my new roommates at first.  I figured God knew I would have too much fun and not make time to study and get homework done if my roommates stayed.  Low and behold we are all getting along and connecting in ways I didn’t imagine.  Growing closer and assisting each other in all areas of life will continue to develop all of us. I think God will use me in my ministry placement to reveal His glory specifically through God answering prayer and revealing Himself to people more and more through obedience and humility.  I believe God will allow me to talk and minister too many of His designated messengers.  I think God will let me to be used by Him in the steps to get people out on mission’s trips.  I wrestled with much during Gauntlet and came to a place of peace and purpose in Christ.

ESOAL, another taste

God + ESOAL = Land of potential, decisions, opportunities, brokenness, testing and fertile ground for growth.  Here's an example of something I faced during ESOAL when Mr. Stoner was leading some after dark extracurricular activities.  He announced that one person could represent each company for a flutter kick challenge to possibly give their company a chance to sleep.  I thought to myself, "I have to do this, I will step out and be bold for once and let our company sleep or I’ll pass out trying.”  The one thing that I was not about to let happen was to watch another person stop when I know I could go further, especially if God has gifted me with a strength in that area.  This decision might have been made totally and completely with wrong motives but I was not going to risk a lady volunteering.  After standing, I was sent out to the battle ground with muffled cheers and scattered affirmation from those members of the Massachusetts Company who had enough energy and motivation to speak.  Once I reached the proper flutter kicking grounds, I dropped down into position on command.  The mission was complete 125 flutter kicks on the 4 count.  Whoever made it to 125 or lasted the longest would earn their company an immediate nap.  Seconds before the challenge began the facilitator standing over me commanded me to make up my mind on what my goal was going to be.  I pondered while my mind was thinking, "maybe I can out last the other guns."  In an unnoticed moment I decide not to quit, "125 is my goal," I thought to myself.  Sure, I was not 100% certain I was going to make it but my pride was fighting that thought.  I also though about the fact that I had never done 125 flutter kicks without stopping before, let alone on the 4 count.  The total number was 500 flutter kicks. To me, it seemed kind of heroic and maybe if I could live up to my social image of perfection we could get some sleep.  Quite frankly image is merely the seen and what is seen is monumentally microscopic. We have learned further on this whole subject of character vs. image in Habitudes and Ethics and Leadership.  On top of these 2 preponderances the feet of my mind stumbled across the endless debate of my heart and cognition.  I asked the ears in my silent thoughts questions like: What are my motives?  Who cares besides me?  I beat my body and commanded myself saying, “Let it go, you over-analytical, O.C.D., Skitsofrantic, bipolar, roller coaster of a satiation.  After being awake for the main proportion of 2 days I didn't care too much for thinking clearly because it would merely lead to me frustrating myself.  After the fact I think that maybe that would have brought me to the point of BAR and I should have stretched my brain more intentionally, more often.  Whatever the answer or motive, I was laying on the ground with representatives from the other companies within a rocks throw.  My mind racing like Jeff Gordon in last place at a self-sponsored race.

Next, the counting began, as well as the flutter kicks. Reaching 34, I started feeling fatigued.

At this time in my past workouts I would normally push myself to 40, 45, or possibly 50 if I was feeling really condemned and or proud.  But that was not an option in my mind this time because I was full and letting down the Massachusetts Company was not even on the menu.  So I gritted my teeth and grunted choppy utterances for strength to the Holy Spirit asking Him to give me His strength.  At some point between 34 and 84 kicks, 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, invaded my mind with the encouragement that only a living, invisible, never changing, self existing, all powerful, all knowing God, could provide, whispering:  "Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.  In that moment two things hit me: 1. I pity myself so furry much.  2. Look at what just crashed into the active running’s of my mind!  If the feeling inside of me came out in words it might sound kind of like this:  "Who cares if I feel sorry for myself, who cares if it hurts my pride? Who cares if it hurts my back! Man up, grow up, and live up, to all you have been called to, you, are, not, your own. You were bought with a price. Glorify God, you are, not yours."  When I had completed 115 flutter kicks the cheers rose louder and louder.  Even though my back ached from the previous hours of laborious excursion, there was a greater power within me, pulling me along.  I made it to 125 and someone in leadership told us to hold it for 60 seconds on top of that, if we could.  I am not my own.  I offered my body and all of my efforts to Him.  God sustained me to the end of the 60 seconds right as John "The bomb" Rockmore (a facilitator) told me I had to keep going.  He pushed me to the edge of myself as I know it.  Screaming that would generally cause pain brought relief in the agony of beautifully broken, reliance.  One of the sweetest and relieving sounds I had ever heard were the words that followed.  "Ok, you can let em down."  I learned that I need to honor God with my body not listen to the lies that grow self-pity.  God taught me through this that I need to trust Him, listen to Him, and love Him above all else.  If I could relive ESOAL, I would constantly choose joy in the Lord, kill my self pity, push myself harder and encourage more.  I would defiantly choose to be a "Bring It" again and use integrity always.  God allowed me to deal with many, many battles throughout ESOAL and I was tried in many ways, and no matter who I fought God won every time.

I am still alive

I enjoyed some football yesterday, basketball today.
The Bible is literally God's word. It's crazy think about it.
The Same Power behind the Words of God who spoke (the whole world), everything I know, see, think, feel and imagine, into existence have the same power as the Words in the Bible. Yet it is not the words but the fact of whose words they are.
God's words are powerful and The same power of God that spoke the wold into being lives inside of His children. Its quite mind smashing, if a person takes the time to engage their mind and hurt their brain over it. Because the fact that a person will never know everything is no excuse to not learn as much as possible, prepare that person for later events in their life, and continue to submit to the sanctification process. Now their are always balance and consistency pendulum equal Librium's that need to be put into consideration and acted upon.
All of this to say I have been searching, more than I ever have before, to hear God's voice. Through prayer, wise council, prayer, reading the bible, prayer, listening to the bible, prayer, prayer, prayer, listening, prayer, meditation on scripture, prayer, memorization of scripture, prayer, getting more advice, prayer, prayer, sharing, prayer and prayer.
I have peace about the decision I will make and God has been gracious and generous beyond what I understand. Looking back as of now, God has kind of taken me on a trust, wants, and
motivation seeking and discovering journey. I didn't even realize a lot of crazy things.
(more detail will be posted at a later date.)
This is a krazi but awesome lat 10ish days. I just flicked the biggest daddy long legs I have ever seen like 12 seconds ago. ESOAL update will be coming. I am writing a paper on it and I will get that paper posted once I am finished with it.
Life just never stops and says: "hey, you look stressed, why don't you try that again."
The tune that generally resonates from the lips of Life is something like: "I am a invincible frictionless object the doesn't have any breaks and can't be stopped but by God himself, sorry bro." So I stand. Sometimes walk, sometimes crawl, even sometimes I get to running, but forget the number of times I fall for though my enemy may knock me down I will rise. And though I am on the ground I will not give up, I will get up. There is literally nothing to stand on, nothing to hold on, nothing to look forward to...... But the only Thing, Self-Existing Being that never changes or goes back on His Word. He is absolutely words-cannot-describabble. And This will end with a question.
Since we no longer have a temple or a priest that has the only privilege to talk to God.
Do you want answers?
Do you want help?
Its really your choice. He hears. I believe with all my heart.
Have you ever taken advantage of the accessibility of God?

Rolling the hill of my tounge on my fingertips

Hey Montana!

How ya doin?

I am doing ok. 

Business streaks my skies

My skies refresh my mind

Low and behold

The more that I'm told

The more knowledge I hold

And the more knowledge I hold the more engagement is required

For me to be wired

And not to let

My mind just set

In a restless state

Of deliberate emotions with up-tempo heart rate

And flaring of hands

In close-eyed stances and really good bands

Reality is what I seek

Yet the more I learn the less my heart seems to know

As the Meek’s being dwells in the ring

Fighting for the connection that the unaware fakers know not of 

What is it for that I sing

Are the motions of obedience going to progress 

Is the flesh I'm consumed with ever to become less

Have the moments of joy come from earthly toil

Is the country that I live in blinding me with spoils

I sought the lust of this age in a time before now

Where the deeds and the looks and the words showed me how

I chased the wind

I ran for miles on end

I was there for the ride

I was swimming in an ocean of my selfish pride

To gulp for air my lungs so desperately distraught

Could not forget what's not forgot

And I came to place where feelings and experience collide

Where a milk drinking baby found out meat was not what the world had to provide

A beautiful place of realized realization

The Lord brought the baby to the baby changing station

Cleaned him up and threw that poop away.

The thing that is misjudged is the time and the day.

For this was no recent reaction

Done by a reactive hero in the heat of his crime fighting action

And this is no tale of a the farmer or the dale

Most certainly not a rhyme for the peak of the time.

But this is a covenant, a promise kept

From the God over time itself who's Son at Gethsemane wept

Cried out to God Himself as dripping blood he sweat

For the union that had never been broken was about to break the chains of infinity’s sin's away

For the moment I talk about was a moment on that monumentous day

Not a word or a notion could ever even begin to relay

The power in the meaning of His final cry... "Tatalaste" 

-Kileab

It would surely be helpful if I found my phone charger. Come to think of it... I might have left it at Amy & Nikki's (my aunts) house. But because Nikki (my aunt) gave me her old phone, case and charger, I should be able to find the extra charger I have.
Yet, I do not know where It could be... Maybe in my room in Wichita.

Something I learned this morning:

Debate to learn, not to win.
2corinthians 2:14-16

I got to eat this morning;

4 biscuits (with butter & jelly)
Scrambled eggs (with pepper and ketchup)
Raisin bran granola cereal (with milk)
Grits (with raisin's & brown sugar)

I still felt Hungry after breakfast.

Last night during worship and prayer I got an idea from somewhere or a revelation from the Holy Spirit.

I have have had so many thoughts and questions about where The line is: in-between enjoying food and making it an idol.

The revelation I received was a reminder that Food and everything created from the beginning of time was made to bring God Glory and to allow us to enjoy Him forever